When I was but a green boydom yute, I was fixated and baffled by the fact that a little continent in the South Pacific had a perpetual one-day calendar lead on us.
How did Australia of all places get a 1-day advantage over us? Allegedly, they crossed some bull jive line on the globe sooner than the rest of us [the International Date Line] and were thus existing in a perpetual state of near-future. Worse yet, there was nothing we could do about it! Every time we would bring it back to deuce, the tricky blighters would just skip back ahead on the calendar as if by some witchery.
What secrets must they be hiding? Tomorrow’s lottery numbers? The cure to cuckery? Insider info on whether we should buy or sell Boydom Coin™ ? The price of prophecy isn’t cheap, but maybe they’ll accept bribes? How does two backstage tickets to Red Drawls sound…
While we wait to hear back from Australia’s Border Force [keep your fingers crossed we have better luck than Djokovic], other methods of breaking their space-time continuum lead will need to be explored. Which leads us nicely to Boydom Factory’s latest brainchild: Boydom Air.
Theory supposes that if one flies against the earth’s rotational axis with enough velocity, one could skip through time, peeling back the days like a potato. First from August 18th back to August 17th then to August 16th and so on and so forth. Physicists like to overcomplicate the details, but here I was. Eleven years old, milk not yet dried on mine lips and time travel already sorted. All I needed now was that thing. The Boedom-757 Airbus is that thing.
You hear “Welcome Back to Boydom,” as our state-of-the-art safety demonstration concludes. You’ll be relieved as her sweet mechanical tones return overhead after landing as well, “Thank you for choosing Boydom Air”. Maybe some football club out of North London might even have ‘Fly Boydom’ spelt right across their chest next season, who can be sure? Marketing department is hard at work.
The recipe for traversing space and time is all right here in the palm of our hand. But we look at the bigger picture here at the Boydom HQ. The nature of time travel within Boydom theology is a touchy subject, so we’ll need further consultation from the Boydom board of directors and high priests before taking any action.
Fortunately for us, BADBADNOTGOOD remixed a trio of Turnstile tracks from their most recent studio album, so it seems everything will be alright for the time being.
Koach’s Korner
Back by popular demand, the ultimate coaching guide to push you over that 6-figure-a-month mark. Four—yes, you heard it right—four more coaching tips to give you and your assistants the edge over the opposition in whichever youth sport your bung knee kept you from making it pro. Maybe you can finally quit that job you hate so much and land the one you deserve.
Sow the seeds of insurrection !
The relationship should be simple: it’s YOU vs THEM. It’s all about instilling a siege mentality. War of attrition, this. You’re not here to ask, negotiate, or even listen. The hierarchy isn’t to be questioned and they have no choice but to respect you. But only if you fully commit to founding a dictatorship.
Nurture division !
Come prepared with a session plan that prioritizes division [not the Sheeran type]. Coaches love to overcomplicate it, but we go back to the basics and stick with what’s always worked: boys vs girls. Once you get that down, try some advanced levels of division, like segregating by nationality, then by cliques, maybe even throw in some religion, etc…
Water board your crops !
Should things get out of hand.
Reap the rewards !
If you’ve followed the steps this far then the results should already be piling up. With enough time, the others WILL start to resent you, and a mutiny is sure to arise. If you’re wondering how to deal with the consequences of your actions, we cover how to deal with mutinies in the next installment of … [*bad TV rock jingle*] … Koach’s Korner! Stay tuned!
Member Admin Spotlight
We’re changing things up a bit this bi-Weekly period, as we take some time to toot our own horn with a long overdue admin spotlight.
We keep our ears close to the ground. We know there has been some confusion about whomst is POM Recreation, and why they exist? To make a short story even shorter, what once started as a pandemic-era Depop page committed to reselling vintage hats without turning a profit [anti-capitalists rejoice!], somehow turned into the most local most global recreation department on this side of the Mississippi.
Loyal readers will recall Volume 8 [ Boydom Battle of the Bands ] and the theme of cooperation for cooperation’s sake within a creative medium. The same goes for POM. From the name to the workload, everything is split down the middle. Could this have been an individual venture? Sure, but then the whole point would be lost.
Put simply, POM Recreation is a communal outlet for things we share an interest in. We all remember the pandemic summers where the admin [before they were admin] yearned to learn tennis, go on hikes, and participate in the underrepresented leisurely activities of the world.
They were the tough months. The dark years. And now, we unite as one to fight the boredom by doing the things we love—together. Try to remember that as summer comes to its gentle end, and it might make the memory of those early outings to Pine Point rapids, cricket at Kildonan Park, and very poor rallies at the KE tennis courts all the sweeter.
Rec department or not, best believe we would be out there doing those same exact things, with the same exact friends… and obviously the snacks too.
Our editor-in-chief is also celebrating his annual day of birth, so please read with that in mind, and thank him for his contribution if you pass him on the skreets.
Boydom Air: Fly Backwards
Booking a flight with boedom air rn
A fantastic read